All I Want For Christmas: Holiday Romance Page 12

  It was like a scene from a movie. The phantom roses discarded, rejected, just like the man she’d pushed away. Saylor felt like screaming. She clenched her teeth while the defeat sank its teeth in. She wanted to kick the roses from the step.

  She’d done it. She’d become that mom. That person. The person she’d come here to hide from. Her mom was begging her to forgive her brother. The truth was, so was her heart.

  Cole had come to apologize, to make things up with her. And what did she do? She blew him off completely, neglected his beautiful flowers, which were now discarded, just like any hope she’d had in a relationship with him.

  “Mommy,” Parker said, patting her on the back. “Mommy, I’m cold.”

  She hugged him close. “I know, bud. Sorry, I know.”

  Too late, she took in the empty driveway and the lack of a vehicle sitting there. She cringed. Her car. It was still stuck in the Canyon Ridge Crest parking lot.

  “Can nothing go right?” she grumbled, lowering Parker to the step so he could stand while she helped him into his coat. Against her will, tears began to fall. She found Parker staring at her with sad eyes as she did up his zipper.

  He reached up a small hand and wiped her cheek. “What’s wrong with Uncle Greg, Mommy?”

  She pursed her trembling lips. “I can’t talk about it right now, sweetie.”

  “Are you okay? Why are you sad?”

  She forced a smile. “Sometimes even moms get sad. I’ll be okay.”

  Saylor was tempted to shuffle through the snow, to tromp straight through the pristine clumps of the white stuff filling her parents’ yard and all the way across town if she had to. It was a long way to go, though. She clenched her jaw. There was nothing for it. She’d have to ask to borrow her mom’s car.

  She did her best to ignore Greg as she traipsed back inside with Parker in tow and asked for her mom’s keys. Wordlessly, her mom dug through her purse and placed them in Saylor’s hand, but she didn’t have to speak for Saylor to know how disappointed she was. Her expressive gaze said enough.

  “Bye, Gramma,” Parker said, doing his best to look back and wave while Saylor tugged him toward the garage.

  “Why are we taking Gramma’s car?” he asked once the noise of the garage door opening quieted. The washed out morning seemed so white compared to the blues and grays of the garage.

  “Never mind that, bud. Let’s get you buckled.”

  Parker kicked his small legs as she helped him find the seat belt. She rumpled his hair and kissed his forehead. “What do you say we go have some hot cocoa?”

  He didn’t answer with his usual enthusiasm. Saylor closed the door and paused at the garage’s gaping mouth. Hands in her pockets, she let the cold streak in her nostrils and clear her head. She couldn’t forgive Greg. Not right now.

  Maybe Cole would want nothing to do with her after this, either, though the least she could do was talk to him. Let him know the reason for her rudeness. She had to explain things. To let him know the truth, as hard as that would be.

  In a snap, she hurried into her mom’s car.

  “Parks,” she said, peeking at him through the rear view mirror. “I changed my mind. I have somewhere else I’d like to go.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Cole closed the door behind him and made for his pickup without a second thought.

  Jack and Norah were right as usual. Communication was always best, especially before things unraveled any worse than they already had.

  His options were laid before him. He could head back over to Saylor’s parents’. If she wasn’t there, then her house. He could tell her exactly how he was feeling and ask her to do the same. Or he could take the obvious hint she’d given and keep his distance.

  That might be the better option, he told himself. It might be better to avoid more drama before he fell for her any deeper than he already had.

  That was just it, though. Could he leave things with her be? Walk away?

  A thin layer of snow had collected on the windshield, hood, and roof of his pickup in the brief time he’d been in the Prescott’s. Conflict loaded on him in a similar manner as he ignited the remote start, which would kick the heater into gear before he got in. The sleek gray pickup chugged to life.

  Cole delved into the driver’s door and reached for his scraper when a bright blue Honda pulled into the lot directly behind him, blocking his path. He didn’t recognize the make of the vehicle, but the sight of its driver ignited his pulse like a flare.

  Saylor sat behind the wheel. She gave him a tiny wave as she slowed to a stop. Cole wondered if it was her mom or dad’s car, since hers was currently stranded in a parking lot.

  Her car idled, emitting exhaust behind it like smoke from a chimney, and she popped out of the door. The strangest expression was on her face. It was regret and sorrow mixed with hope, and the sight of it clenched a fist behind his sternum.

  Cole lowered the scraper, deciding to let her speak first.

  “Hi,” she said, chewing her lip.

  “Hi.”

  She peered into her back window, making Cole aware of the tiny face watching them from within. Giving her son a small wave, she trotted closer. Only a few steps.

  “I came because I owe you an apology. The flowers were lovely. I just—I had a freak out moment when my brother came down the stairs.”

  It’d been her brother. Why should that make her freak out?

  Cole crossed the remaining steps to meet her. Closer up, he caught sight of tears staining her cheeks. Why was she crying? Something was definitely going on. He lifted warm fingers to her cold cheeks and swiped at her lovely, pink-from-the-cold skin. From the backseat of her car, Parker stared at him with wide, curious eyes.

  “Do you guys want to come inside?”

  Saylor sniffed and offered a few blinks and a feeble smile. Apparently, what she’d expected him to say hadn’t been that.

  “If that’s okay,” she said.

  He wiped away another tear. “I don’t have much by way of toys, but I’m sure we can conjure up some cartoons for the little guy while we talk.”

  Saylor sniffled again and gave him a raw smile, one that appeared as though it took a lot of effort. She hurried to park her car in one of the available spaces across from Cole’s. He cut the ignition on his pickup and was there as soon as she did the same, opening the back door and helping Parker’s little feet sink into the snow. Together, the three of them made their way to the stairs.

  Cole’s chest surged. He liked the feel of this, having her with him, having her son with him. It was almost like having a family of his own.

  Outside of apartment 3B, he fumbled with the key, opening the lock and waiting for Saylor and Parker to enter his chic, clean living room first. Bubba Jones jingled his way to greet Cole at the door with a friendly meow, stopping at the sight of the newcomers.

  “See, Bubba? I brought you some friends.”

  “A kitty! A kitty!” Parker bolted toward it, scaring the thing but not caring in the slightest. The cat broke for Cole’s bedroom, one of the only two rooms in the unit, and Parker was hot on its heels.

  “That’ll keep him entertained for a while,” said Saylor with a soft smile. “Are you okay with him exploring?”

  “Of course,” said Cole. He took her coat and hung it in the closet by the door, then gestured for her to take a seat on his black leather couch. Cautiously, she did, sitting bolt-straight as though the loveseat was laced with spikes. Cole retrieved the remote from one of the hickory end tables, directed it to turn on the fire behind his glass fireplace, and sank beside her.

  Thanks to the addition of the friendly orange flames, the room transformed from cold and formal to something a bit cozier. The heat emitting from the glass didn’t hurt things either.

  “I’d love something like this. Just push a button, and you have a fire.” Saylor rubbed her hands together, trying to warm them up. Cole’s hands tingled to warm them for her, but he hesitated. Not yet. He needed
to hear her out first.

  “I’m glad you came over. I was thinking about going back to your parents’ house, actually.”

  “You were? Why?”

  Honesty. Here goes. Cole wished he could convince his pulse to slow. “You mentioned something about your brother was bothering you. Will you tell me what it was?”

  Saylor stared at her knees. Though her clothes from their date the night before were slightly rumpled, though her blonde hair was tangled, she was still beautiful. He wished she could relax. Open up to him. Trust him.

  Cole wondered how to help her when she inhaled and rose from the couch to stand directly before the fireplace. She held her hands toward the heat.

  “Do you remember me saying in a relationship I don’t let go easily?”

  A bowling ball sank into his stomach. If she was referring to her warning beneath the mistletoe, this direction of conversation didn’t bode well. Cole did his best to lighten the mood. “Right before the best kiss of my life,” he said.

  Her head cocked up. “Really?”

  “Really. A kiss I wouldn’t mind repeating.”

  The most delicious pink flooded her cheeks, but the smile he was hoping for didn’t make an appearance. She dipped her head, returning her attention to the fire. “That only makes this harder.”

  He knew it. He’d known something was bothering her. Tension rippled through his muscles, the way it usually did when a person braced themselves for an attack. “Are you breaking up with me?”

  She shrugged, still not looking at him. “You may want me to, once you hear what I have to say.”

  Cole stood as well, unable to let her remain alone during what was clearly a difficult admission for her to make. “Let me decide that,” he said, rubbing her arms. He couldn’t help touching her. He wanted her to feel as comfortable as she could around him. She may want things to end, but he certainly didn’t, and he had to show her that in whatever way he could.

  She flicked her brown eyes to his. Pain swam there, vulnerable and unfocused and fearful as a child in the dark. “I dated a boy named Caleb when I was a senior in high school. I thought he was the one, I thought we would get married the instant we graduated. He told me he loved me.”

  She gave him a measured look, as if questioning whether she should continue. Cole offered what he hoped was an encouraging nod.

  “I fell hard for him, Cole. So hard that when he broke up with me—” Another tear escaped from the corner of her eye.

  Cole guided her to his chest, her pain becoming his. “You don’t have to tell me if it’s too hard. It was a long time ago.”

  Her hands slid up his back, and she rested her cheek against him. “I want to tell you. It will help you understand me, and the issue I have with my older brother. That’s who you saw. My brother, Greg, was a notorious drug addict. He would disappear at all hours, driving my parents sick with worry. They even got my uncle and cousin involved in trying to keep Greg in line.

  “We were at a party when Caleb told me he intended to go into the military. He thought it would be best if we parted ways before we got too attached.” She hurled a mocking laugh. “I was already so attached I couldn’t see straight. The realization his feelings didn’t match mine was as though he stabbed me in the heart.

  “I knew Greg had a stash of codeine pills in his drawer. I thought I’d die without Caleb, and I couldn’t handle the pain of betrayal I felt. So I overdosed. I dumped a handful of pills into my mouth—”

  Whoa. This was not what Cole expected to hear at all. Coldness hit him to the core and adrenaline tingled through his body. How could this incredible, stable woman have been so hard on herself? He didn’t doubt she was amazing, even then. Sudden, unexplainable rage breezed through him like a brushfire. Not at her. For her.

  “It’s okay,” Cole said, holding her tightly as her tears spilled faster. “You don’t have to go back there. I understand.”

  Saylor cried against his chest. Cole stroked her hair and rubbed her back. His pulse raced, his throat ached, and he wished there was some way to alleviate her heartache. He couldn’t imagine feeling low enough to want to cease existing.

  Eventually, Saylor pulled away again. “My cousin, Beckham, was there. He got me to the ER. He stood by my side until my parents could get me out of Rexburg. It’s why I’m living here, in Twin Falls. I needed a fresh start, where not everywhere I turned reminded me of Caleb.”

  “And then you met your husband,” Cole said, instantly regretting the words. He didn’t mean to bring up another difficult subject. She was already struggling as it was.

  “David helped me with that, with my full recovery, with piecing my heart back together and realizing I was worth loving after all. But my brother—”

  “You blame him.” Cole’s statement held no judgment. Only an attempt at understanding.

  Saylor hung her head. “I know I shouldn’t. He’s trying to change, I know that. It’s just—if he’d kept it together, he could have helped me. Not condemned me.

  “The choice was my own—I know. I just—it’s something I’ve got to come to grips with. Then this morning, having Greg appear, the last thing I wanted was to have him meet you.”

  “You’re that embarrassed by me?” Cole’s joke lacked the usual amount of mirth he was able to add to things.

  She smiled, though it didn’t flash in her eyes. “The opposite, actually. I’m embarrassed by him. I don’t want him in my life, but he’s my brother.”

  Cole wetted his lips. He retreated a single step, needing space, to think. Not more than an hour ago, Norah had been prodding him to whisk Saylor away and elope with her. Even though he hadn’t really planned to, the weirdest thing was, it had seemed like a good option.

  Now, discovering truth from her past, conflict tightened every one of his muscles. He didn’t know much about depression or suicide, not having dealt with it extensively, but if that was the reason she’d attempted it once before, wouldn’t it be better for her if she didn’t get too attached to him?

  What if he broke her heart without meaning to? She’d warned him, before their first kiss. She’d said she had a hard time letting go. Maybe he should have listened.

  He never wanted to be the reason she sank that low ever again.

  Cole parroted Norah’s advice. “Someone wiser than I am said, ‘the past is the past.’ Let it stay there.”

  “How?” Saylor wiped her cheeks.

  “Honesty,” he said, passing on the Prescott’s advice.

  She stared at nothing. “You’re saying I should talk to Greg.”

  “I’m saying it’s okay for us to have mistakes in our pasts. They make us who we are now. You wouldn’t be the amazing mother you are, or the woman...”

  The woman I’m falling in love with.

  A lump clogged his throat. He wanted to say it. He’d been planning on saying it, but how could he now? He couldn’t allow himself to finish the words. Not if it meant hurting her more later.

  Spearing across her cheeks. Lifting the corners of her mouth, displaying her perfect teeth, flickering all the way into her tear-stained eyes, she smiled. Genuine and bursting and irreplaceable. As though she knew what he hadn’t spoken.

  That made this all the worse.

  Cole took a deep breath. He hated to shatter that smile, but he had to. If it was best for her, he had to not let whatever this was between them get any more involved. How could he guarantee another moment like last night wouldn’t happen? That Brooke wouldn’t show up again or something else to make Saylor doubt him as easily as she had?

  Brooke was pushy and obnoxious, and undoubtedly she would pull some trick to give Saylor the wrong impression again. He had to do what he could to keep that from happening. He couldn’t be the reason she got hurt again.

  Saylor’s expression began to mirror his hesitation. Her smile fell just enough.

  “I wonder,” he began, clearing his throat. The words didn’t want to come. He urged them to anyway. “I wonder if it might
be best for us to take a step back.”

  Her chin quivered. “What?”

  He tugged at his collar. “We’ve been moving pretty quickly. Maybe, under the circumstances, it might be better to take a break from one another. See other people. Make sure we’re completely compatible.” It was pathetic as far as excuses went. He didn’t want to tell her the real reason, though. He was protecting her. He was doing this for her.

  The pain in her eyes was unmistakable, but worse than that was the shield that slid down after it. It was almost as though she’d trained herself to dim the lights there. She retreated away from him. Straightened her shoulders.

  “A break,” she repeated. All traces of cracked sadness in her voice vanished.

  “I think we both might need some time,” he said, detesting every word but knowing they were necessary. Here he’d been worried she would be the one ending things with him.

  How could he do this?

  Because it was best for her, in the long run. Because he’d meant the thought he’d almost blurted, the one that would have crushed her.

  He was falling in love with her.

  Saylor’s lower lip began to tremble. She nodded, bobbing her head like a dashboard doll. “No, no, I get it. Of course you need time.” She swiped at her eyes and bent for her keys that had fallen on the couch cushion. “Thanks for hearing me out, I really—”

  A soft voice peeped from down the hall. “Yes!”

  Cole had almost forgotten about the little boy emerging from the hall with a cat in his arms.

  “I caught it!”

  The boy’s glee would have been contagious in any other circumstance. Discomfort wrenched inside of Cole as the realization struck. He wasn’t only ending things with Saylor, but with her son, too. He hadn’t realized how attached he’d become to the little guy in such a short amount of time.

  Saylor sniffed and daubed on a smile, bending to pet the cat on its head. She really was an amazing mom, pulling it together like this for the sake of her son.

  “Bubba Jones must really like you,” Cole said, trying to make things easier for her. He couldn’t relent on this, not the way he wanted to.